“…But I’m trying not to think… (about you).”

………..

There are times on this journey we call ‘Life’ when we can find ourselves marinating in a curdling combination of relentless aching, anger, hurt, rejection, guilt, deep remorse… and a depression that genuinely teases open the door to possible suicide and teeters on the very edge of its’ threshold.

Times brought on by a past circumstance, situation, event, mistake, perhaps personal, significant loss (or indeed, if we are particularly stricken,- all of the above).

Typically, we push this marinate-of-experience to the very back of the fridge or cupboard in a fervent yet tenuous attempt to prevent it from totally dominating and consuming our days, months even years.
We have to! – Because otherwise the visceral curdling-of-emotions and torment-of-thought can soon become way too much for us to bear.

Generally, in a further attempt to hold ourselves together, to find some way not to completely dissolve and disintegrate into the, by now – perfectly-aged and suitably ready marinate; In a mix of desperation, defiance and determination; We consider one simple antidote, a pacifier, a counter-punch; a life-line that perhaps gives us a solid, tangible reason to step back from the threshold.

– What is it?

Simply not to think about the cause of the marinate! – ‘Taking the torturous thought captive and determining not to think about it any longer.
– Unfortunately this is of course, notoriously, more easily said than done, as the marinate so often proves to be a law unto itself, and as such, has a nasty habit of seeping through and flavouring everything in its wake. And so we appear to have no choice other than to continue to fervently keep – ‘Trying not to think…’  –  This poem reflects this scenario; – this sentiment…

…………………

“…But I’m trying not to think…(about you)”.

I’ll think of how the early dawn whispers a New Day
Sets the tune and calls that day to dance
Of shaking off that wounded sleep and breathing in new life
And think of how I took or missed my chance

I’ll think of how a single moment held in time a space
Can give birth to a thousand different things
Of new found love and hope and play ‘the promise of much more
The sorrow and the joy that promise brings

I’ll think of how all seasons, like all roads, come to an end;
Of how each one of us here plays our part
I’ll think how precious memories have helped shape who I am
Of lingering fingerprint left on my heart;
I’ll think of how fresh fallen snow disguises what’s beneath-
Imperfections hidden, buried deep
Of hurt once sealed, but now revealed, as the snow begins to melt
Of the secret pain and torment that I keep

I’ll think of how the stars at night, those ‘diamonds in the sky’
Burning brightly, glisten, glow and gleam
(And) when the night dissolves to dawn and then the dawn rolls into day-
‘Think how those same bright stars in ‘daylight’ are unseen;
I’ll think of a million different things, in a million different ways
What was before, is now, and is to come
Of past achievements satisfied, of those right here and now;
And others that I haven’t yet begun

I’ll think of what is precious – ‘frees my mind; ‘touches and soothes my soul;
I’ll think of what is false and what is true
I’m trying to think of things that really mean so much to me –

But I’m I trying not to think about… you.

……………….

Audio/Vocal  <(click)

(C) Danny Scott 2014.

3 thoughts on ““…But I’m trying not to think… (about you).”

  1. I love this Danny! I thought that modern day poets could not add to what my favourite classic poets have already written. But you have proved me wrong. You have shown me that I’m not alone. Cath

  2. Still kindred spirits, Danny. Only memories of the PTI (‘Physical Theatre Intensive’) and poignant poems like this dislodge my ambivalence. Thank you!! Love ‘n respect, Daggers

Leave a Reply - ('Rattle my cage!") - Thank you.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.